last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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