You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I need moral support for this bender
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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