God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
