After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
