You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
