when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
