So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
