Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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