Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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