I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
