my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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