it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize