Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
