he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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