He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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