just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize