I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
