He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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