So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
