Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
