I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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