I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
