I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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