Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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