Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
