Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize