Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
