Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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