My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
