I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
