Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize