Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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