I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
