I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
