There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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