He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
