you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize