Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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