Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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