btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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