I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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