I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
