Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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