Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
