just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
