Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize