when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
