I want to have your abortion
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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