Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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