I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
