I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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