So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
