Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
