You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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