Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
