Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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