How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize