Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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