I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
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