So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
