i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
