haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
