He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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