$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We have so much sex to catch up on
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
