I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
