her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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