I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
