so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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